How to Have Better Sex in 2019 by Laura Delarato.
With the start of every New Year, the consumer market becomes flooded with all exciting ways to improve on your work life, your physical life, and your aesthetic; inspiring you to reach for higher at the helm of every calendar. And this is beautiful. It sets the tone from the start as you navigate how you want to live through this season of you. And while I want all your 2019 dreams to come true this year, I also want to make a case for, what I think, is the most important resolution:
Hello and welcome to your best year of sex!
Before we kick this off, let me just say: You deserve to be having the sex you want. Case-closed. If you need permission, agency, the feeling of autonomy brought on by another person — I’m giving it to you right now. And even more than that, you deserve to be having sex free from judgment, shame, guilt (unless these are very, very hot kinks that you have), anything in which another party is imparting their moral diagnosis on your consensual, adult life.
You deserve to be able to say yes, no, maybe, oooohh that’s cool, put your _____ on my _____ to another consenting adult without anyone saying otherwise. This is an alternative perspective we are often not afforded but is supremely important to place as numero uno when wanting to have better sex.
This year, I want to challenge you to think of sex in two parts: mental sex and physical sex. Combined, they allow for us to navigate sex in a more heightened way. Albeit of me telling you to put on a sensory deprivation hood and dive right into allowing your partner carte blanche on turning your ass cherry red (which, like, you could), the heightening of sex is really about being on the same page in every activity and action as you play.
Just like your regular life, sex is really a ratio of 90% mental and 10% physical — if you’re not mentally in it, there is really nothing you can do physically. How many times have you said you were going to a party to then see the clock hit 11 p.m. and commit to not leaving The Great British Bake-Off unwatched? And while yes, sex is significantly more complicated than that analogy, your mental wellbeing is a major factor in being a great lover and getting what your needs met from a partner.
First, you’re not psychic. If you were, you’d have the lottery numbers inside of your luxury mansion while someone else reads this to you. Let’s always assume that no one outside of your brain knows what you find hot or what you’re experiencing right now. And if they don’t know that, there is a 100% chance they won’t know what you find triggering.
Start here with yourself. Before going into your year of great sex, write a list of everything you like, love, not into, want to explore, interested in learning about — no judgment here. It’s just you and your list. For example, you can break the list into separate parts dedicated to what you want to do, what you want to try, and what you want to learn more about. Fill the list with different sex acts as vanilla or kinky as you’d like, and let this be your guide as you navigate your nex sex life.
Being honest about what you’re into is just as important as being honest about how you feel about your body. Sex is a naked (naked-ish) sport that involves movement, jiggling, and allowing another person to see you in various stages of scrunch. We are living in a glorious time of radical body acceptance; one that is changing the culture in an effort to say your body is valuable. We all still individually have work to do on accepting how we look in mid-bend. Sex isn’t fun if you’re worried about what your stomach looks like when you’re on top. Get naked as often as you can. Get used to how your body moves and looks without a clothing barrier; it will make you so much more comfortable when naked in a front of another person AND your confidence will skyrocket because of all your nude practice. All of us have body stuff rattling around in our brains — you’re not the only one. You making an effort to feel confident about yours will translate to your partner; creating all kinds of super hot sex!
Next thing: talk to your sex partner. Depending on where you come from and how you were raised, talking about sex and your sexual interests is unsettling. It makes us vulnerable. It makes us worry about the other person’s potential judgment. For a supremely long time, I was terrified of ex-lovers coming out of nowhere to tell all my friends that I loved getting spanked. And yes, I do and now you know that. But there was this deep-rooted fear of others using my kinkiest fantasies against me or being turned off by my interests. Let me say this: There is power in owning your sex life. If you like to hold a Le Wand vibrator up against your genitalia while giving oral, say that. If you like to play with nipple clamps, tell that to your sex partner. Of course, not everyone is going to like what you like, or maybe they’ve never even heard of it. Own your interests, say what you want, and be respectful of each other’s vulnerabilities.
The physical part of great sex starts with good communication (see above) and continues when putting those pieces into action. We all very much understand sex as what happens when two people (or more) touch genitalia to end in a resounding orgasm — and yes, that is so fun and hot and amazing. But sex can be much more.
Your skin is an all-encompassing, nerve-ending utopia that would love nothing more than for another person to explore what could arise when played with. Explore sensation play with your sex partner; get really into it! This can be as simple as running your fingernails across a back or getting spanked so hard that you have a hand mark across your ass. The best thing about sensation play is that it can slow down the scene and allow both people to really get in an erotic headspace. You can continue with the sensation (spanking, scratching, running ice across nipples) or be so turned on that you need to have a genitalia orgasm — but of course, the sensation play can be perfectly arousing without ever touching innies or outies.
Try this: The next time you’re with your play partner, turn on your favorite sex playlist and decide who is going to impart sensation on who. Pick your sensation play and start with one song — try it out for the entire song. Check in after the song, ask if they can handle more — more intensity or different areas. If they consent, go for two songs! And so on and so forth! Erotic sensation opens up your sex life to significantly more communication and connectivity as you proceed.
For Better Sex, Use Vibrations
Vibration is a tried-and-true part of amazing sex. There is so much negative information about using vibration as a crutch for “real sex” or that it can only be used on female-bodied people. This is just ridiculous. First, think of sex toys as an accessory. They don’t talk, they don’t have feelings, they don’t take away from “real sex.” Everyone is okay with the other V — Viagra — but it comes to Vibration, it’s apparently not real. And second, vibration can be used on anyone! If you have nerve-endings, you can use vibration!
Try this: Take one night with you, your sex partner, and your Le Wand Vibrator. Take turns placing the vibe at different intensities, different vibration patterns alongside their body. Give your partner oral and put the Le Wand up against your mouth, try applying the vibration on nipples, get really into it and put the vibration on the pad of the anus — see what feels good to both of you and communicate if you’re feeling 1 – Eh or 10 – Keep It There! The Le Wand’s silicone head makes this a perfect couples toy because it doesn’t hold bacteria and is easy to clean — plus it’s rechargeable; make the piece perfect to travel with or use without being connected to cord.
Sex is not just a series of naked movement — it’s the perfect time to explore different power dynamics. We have all head the terms top and bottom, but topping from the bottom is a super fun way to change things up in the bedroom.
Try this: Ask your partner who wants to give pleasure, get pleasure, be pampered, be more dominant, be more submissive. This can be a complete combination of different options and avenues when having this conversation. For example: I want to be in control of everything that happens from _____ moment until _____ moment, and I want to use you to get off; but you can’t touch me until I say you can and I get to tell you what to do. AMAZING. This is a great way to be pleasured but also dominate the scene — and if they don’t follow the rules, they get a spank (i.e. sensation play).
Always ‘Aftercare’ for Better Sex
Finally, aftercare. Aftercare is the check-in or maintenance of your partner after your play is done. This is a great time to rest, have water, talk about what just happened or what can be improved.
Try this: Before play, ask your sex partner what they typically want after they have had an orgasm, an emotional release, or whatever your play is working towards. Keep this answer in the back of your mind, so when the time comes you’re ready to give that massager, that snack, that space they need. Showing this simple act of care will allow the post-release bliss more relaxed and elongated.
I know what you’re going to say: But Laura, what about the spontaneity of it all? What about the passion? Why do we need to talk? Well, because if you want to be a phenomenal lover you need to listen to what your partner likes, you need to know what you like, and you need to respect boundaries. Be passionate, jump on each other, make out in a bar bathroom! Know your boundaries and respect your partner’s. Even in my post planned sex, there has never been a touch, a lick, a grab that didn’t feel spontaneous — but it did feel like a touch in the right spot, a lick in the correct places, and the perfect amount of grab intensity.
All of this comes down to one word: communication. Communication leads to the physical manifestation of awe-inspiring sex. I promise, if you listen and learn from each other, all your naked sex time is going to be incredible! Go off and have the best sex ever, babes!
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