The Sneaky Guide to Masturbating in Unfamiliar Places30 April 2019
How to Get Off Without Getting Caught: The Sneaky Guide to Masturbating in Unfamiliar Places by Laura Delarato
Where were you the first time a rush of arousal struck your bits and you were nowhere near home? Maybe it was the way the barista poured the coffee or a swift gust of wind across your nipples. Or maybe to speed up your commute, you mentally chronicled the hottest oral sex you’ve ever received to date. Your inaccessible bedroom is becoming more apparent as the pent-up thrill is spreading across your body proding you for a release.
Hey, we’re all adults here. Let’s all align on the fact that there are just going to be moments where the only option is to find a quiet place, rub one out, and go forth with your day. Outside of the climactic release, the outcome will soothe you into a chiller, much happier person as you confront the rest of your real-world priorities.
Insert here (pun very much intended): your guide to masturbating in unfamiliar places. Let us help you get off without getting caught.
Let’s warm up and get mentally prepped for the big moment first! Sure, you’re already horny enough to consider masturbating in an unfamiliar space but having another arousal source will edge you until that sweet release of being able to touch your genitals — and it will make the path to climax much faster because you’re already mentally stimulated. And while watching porn in public is not cool for a lot of reasons (number one: you haven’t been given consent from the people around you), listening to an erotic audiobook or reading erotica from the privacy of your phone is a secretive and sexy way. Companies like Dipsea provide lusty and sensual tracks of different lengths to get you in the mood.
A major piece of this get-off puzzle is understanding your style. Do you make noise when you cum? Do you ejaculate? Do you feel spacey? Take these pieces into consideration when the time strikes. It feels great in the moment to get-off mid-day and to let that post-orgasm serenity fill your entire body; appreciate the logistics behind your orgasm will make for easier cleanup and a less anxious public masturbation session. Know yourself, babes!
Candidly, this all comes down to follow through and courage. Masturbation is, more times than not, a solo act completed in an accustomed space free from the pressures of people knocking on the bathroom door or running into a coworker right after. It takes some guts to make this decision! Be brave, take precautions, and walk around afterwards with your erotic little secret about your mid-day orgasm!
Alright. The time is now. Depending on where and who you’re surrounded by, this act takes some finessing to get it right. See below for some shortcuts for those prime unfamiliar places:
Disclaimer. There is a vast difference between jerking off on public transportation and quietly masturbating in a single-stall restroom. Consent, visibility, and personal space need to be taken into consideration when masturbating in a new space. Let’s all be mindful of what’s around us when our hands are down our pants, shall we?
After coming up with a mini excuse to tell your family, find the only bedroom with a lock on it and make that your quickie mastubatorium. There’s not a lot of time in this scenario — you know your mom is going to want to ask you something. Your mission if you choose to accept it: a get in, get off, and get out. Do a quick sweep of the perimeter and make sure all the family photos are faced down to not provoke any unnecessary shame. Keep your back to the door in a standing position.
If available, grab your packed Le Wand Petite rechargeable vibrator and get going! Clothing on — you never know what could happen in this scenario! You know that one super hot fantasy in the back of your mind that always gets you going? Use it. You’re mentally there all the way to the end.
This one takes a little prep but one you’ll be able to use forever. Wait until a nighttime performance and then get right in the middle of the crowd. Pull an Alanis and come with some dressed in some very specific denim — a hole in the inside pocket. Then sing Cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket / And the other one is giving a peace sign!
Your go-to might be the bathroom . . . smart. If it’s single-stall with a lock, have at it but keep track of your time! There are people waiting!
Public bathrooms are a little trickier considering the small amount of space and how it simply it is for your boss to want to use the facilities right as a guttural moan rips from your body. To avoid this, perhaps look to the coffee shops, restaurants, other floors with other bathrooms in the near circumference of your building. Or after hours bathroom session!
There is something about highly emotional confessions of love that makes you so hot. Excuse yourself from their reception — say you have to make a phone call — and make your way to either 1) the bathroom 2) the parking lot 3) the unattended coat check. Taking from our prep work: this is all about bravery. Check your surroundings, hold on to that mental fantasy, and follow through!
The family bathroom, the family bathroom, the family bathroom. Commit that to memory, lock the door behind you, and wash your hands.
Your friend is sleeping over after a night of partying — great! Wait until the friend falls asleep and slip off to the living room clutching your Le Wand Petite rechargeable vibrator. While your friend is deep asleep, stretch across that Ikea couch and really make that living room lived in.
Go early in the morning and find a secluded patch of grass far away from activity-based areas (BBQs, Baseball Fields, Swing Sets). Lay a sweater across the lower half of your body and slip your hand under your waistband. You’re just a person lounging in the grass — nothing to see here! The distance from others and familiarity of your body language will keep your masturbation a perfect, little secret!
Okay, babes! Take your pleasure in your own hand (literally) and sneakily get-off even in the most unfamiliar of places.
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