{"id":244,"date":"2018-06-29T07:14:15","date_gmt":"2018-06-29T07:14:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lewandmassager.com\/press\/?p=244"},"modified":"2018-06-29T08:27:45","modified_gmt":"2018-06-29T08:27:45","slug":"uproxx-alicia-sinclair-vanilla-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lewandmassager.com\/press\/uproxx-alicia-sinclair-vanilla-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"UPROXX: Sex Educator Tells You How to Move Beyond Vanilla Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Alia<\/p>\n

Alia Stearns’ article — A Sex Educator Tells You How to Move Beyond Vanilla Sex — featuring Alicia Sinclair, Founder of b-Vibe<\/a>, Le Wand<\/a> and The Cowgirl<\/a>, was first published on UPROXX<\/a>.<\/p>\n

There is a sex debate that many of us get dragged into on occasion: is there bad\u00a0sex? Someone will always take the pizza line of argument and argue that even bad sex is\u00a0good<\/em>\u00a0sex. Other people will bring up personal experiences that range from gross violations to cringy embarrassment. These conversations will commonly veer wildly into oversharing and no one will change their initial opinions because people are stubborn creatures. Ultimately, all participants will walk away wondering if they are bad in bed.<\/p>\n

We say that bad sex is a thing, and even too much mediocre sex can start to feel like it\u2019s bad sex. Yet we also say that the difference between bad and good sex is (in most cases) communication. But why is it so damn difficult to have those conversations? If you are at a restaurant and your date asks if you want mushrooms on pizza, you simply say \u201cNo, thanks.\u201d If you are in bed, it\u2019s often easier to go on the sexual equivalent of a fungi bender rather than express what you want. One of the hardest parts of these conversations is getting vulnerable and telling a partner (or partners) that you want to try something a little daring, a lot less vanilla than your current erotic practices. We totally get that, and we have been there too. So, we brought in an expert to help you broach things like BDSM, group sex, sex tapes, anal sex, and fun (but often stigmatized) things of that nature.<\/p>\n

Alicia Sinclair has been a\u00a0presence in the sexual wellness industry<\/a>\u00a0for more than a decade and a half. Currently, she is challenging some outdated norms of the industry by creating inclusive brands (like\u00a0b-Vibe<\/a>,\u00a0Le Wand<\/a>, and\u00a0The Cowgirl<\/a>) with a focus on superior and heavily-researched products paired with approachable educational materials and extensive coaching and support. She has also completed in-depth courses in sexology, as well as clinical and coaching skills and competency training, from Sex Coach University.<\/p>\n

As a result of her studies, Sinclair is a Certified Sex Educator, Certified Sexuality Coach, a member of the\u00a0World Association of Sex Coaches<\/a>\u00a0and instructor of the expert course \u201cSex Toys in Today\u2019s Market\u201d at Sex Coach U. Not surprisingly, considering her credentials, she was super open-minded and informative as she laid down some guidelines for the big sexual ask, and we think her suggestions are perfect. Of course, if your partner isn\u2019t down to do what you are asking, there isn\u2019t an approach that will change that. But, following Sinclair\u2019s advice should help open the doors to better convos about sex and, then, better sex as a result.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t Have The Talk Right Before Sex<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n

When giving any type of suggestion or talking about desire, do it in a non-pressure situation when, preferably, you\u2019re outside the bedroom and not about to have sex. That\u2019s a time when it can be really difficult. You\u2019re getting ready to go into a sexual situation, and you\u2019re bringing up something new. We really want to be able to give people room to think and process and also be in a situation where there\u2019s not an immediate expectation of them. I think that\u2019s really important to bring up.<\/em><\/p>\n

It might sound counterintuitive to think that you wouldn\u2019t have this conversation naturally during your common sexual experience, but that\u2019s exactly what you want to avoid. You don\u2019t want to bring something up and then expect that thing to happen immediately without some thought behind it beforehand. If you\u2019re talking about having your first anal play experience or maybe exploring polyamory, before or during sex is not the time to do it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Get Educated<\/strong><\/h2>\n

It\u2019s really important, specifically for the person who is asking or inviting a new type of sexuality into the scenario to get educated about it. That can be really fun, and it can be also something that\u2019s done together as a couple. It could be so simple as, \u201cI read this article about BDSM play,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve read the Fifty Shades books,\u201d or whatever. \u201cI really found that erotic. Is that something you\u2019d be willing to explore?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

And then exploring you can explore it together, making it something that\u2019s an adventure. The two of you, or the three of you, or whatever that dynamic is, can go and do it together. That can be part of the process. It can be fun. It can be watching pornography if that\u2019s what you\u2019re into or going to a club where you\u2019re able to explore those things. Getting educated about it before you participate in it, especially if it\u2019s something that involves a new part of the body like the butt, can be pretty important. You want to make sure that experience is satisfying and it\u2019s done in a way in that everybody knows what the rules of the game are.<\/p>\n

Getting educated can be going to a workshop at Pleasure Chest, or reading a book, or taking a video or online course meant to enable couples to have these types of pleasurable experiences. I absolutely believe it\u2019s super important for both. I think it\u2019s important for the person asking to know what they\u2019re asking for. That\u2019s really important, and then even more so to get educated and to bring the partner along for that educational process once they\u2019ve agreed that that\u2019s something they want to experiment in.<\/p>\n

There are so many opportunities and ways to connect with other people who are living lifestyles that are nonconforming, and there\u2019s also a lot of support around that now. If that\u2019s something that someone is interested in, even more so to get educated, and connected, and learn from other people\u2019s past examples.<\/em><\/p>\n

Frame Your Request <\/strong>As A Sexy Adventure<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Make the ask sexy and pose it as an adventure, rather than \u201cThis is something that I want.\u201d The way that we ask questions overall really affects the outcome of the answer. It needs to be in a way where it\u2019s not whining or complaining about something that\u2019s not being done. Asking it in a nice way, which also is inviting, is really important.<\/em><\/p>\n

What is sexy will vary according to what your relationship dialogue is like. If you have a relationship that involves a lot of humor or if you\u2019re on the more conservative or serious side, make sure that it\u2019s within your standard dynamic.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Don\u2019t Buy Supplies Before The Talk<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Unless there\u2019s been some form of clean negotiation or consent, it\u2019s really important to respect somebody\u2019s boundaries, and having already bought the rope or something is taking that first step without sort of getting that consent. I do think it is important to at least know beforehand that you\u2019re respecting your partner\u2019s boundaries and you\u2019re not pressuring them to do something that they\u2019re not ready to do. I do think that involving both partners in part of the process of taking out the rope could be also really fun.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s such a tricky situation with a lot of fine lines because part of what could be fun is a surprise. Being able to be open and read your partner is also part of the dynamic that is gonna make it successful. Testing the waters, right? If I bring this up and it\u2019s a very cold response, that\u2019s a big red light. If there\u2019s some yellow, maybe it might be fun to experiment with a blindfold and some tie handcuffs before we bring out the rope.<\/p>\n

We do a lot of education specifically around butt play, which applies really specifically. A lot of the common narratives that we hear, specifically with heterosexual couples is that a man will ask his female partner to have anal sex. At the moment, there will be no real prior negotiation, planning, or education and it will be a painful experience which she\u2019ll never want to repeat. Because of that, it will create a dynamic where now that type of play is off the table, and the same can apply with BDSM.<\/p>\n

If you spank somebody incorrectly, because there are correct ways to spank somebody, you might be ruining the possibility of that being a really awesome part of your sex life, long-term. It\u2019s totally important to take baby steps, and respect people\u2019s boundaries, and have some form of pre-negotiation. All of those things are important.<\/em><\/p>\n

Avoid Negativity<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Don\u2019t complain. Sex is really tied to ego and identity. Bashing your partner\u2019s moves or making your ask sound like you\u2019re not getting something you already need can hurt the other person\u2019s feelings. It can create a conversation that isn\u2019t going to have the turnout that you want it to. Emphasize \u201cI love it when,\u201d or \u201cThis makes me aroused,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019d like us to try this,\u201d making the asks very positive and reemphasizing how it can bring more positive dynamics into your sex life.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you really are interested in BDSM play, after you\u2019ve educated yourself, talk about how you think this will bring the two of you closer together, or how you feel you\u2019re gonna be more aroused and more excited during sex, or it\u2019s gonna add this new level of adventurous play into the bedroom. Really emphasizing the positive of what that will bring into your life is important, rather than talking about what you aren’t<\/em>\u00a0getting. \u201cI\u2019m not feeling excited because we\u2019re not doing this,\u201d is not nearly as fun as, \u201cI really think we would enjoy it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Be As Game As You Want Your Partner To Be<\/strong><\/h2>\n

If you want great sex, the key is to give great sex. I think the point is to be open to whatever the other person needs because it might be that they have an ask, too, and so it\u2019s also important to put all the cards on the table and even be more willing to be adventurous on your side of things, whatever that might mean to your partner.<\/em><\/p>\n

Be Complimentary<\/strong><\/h2>\n

You can always give lots of positive affirmations to somebody, lots of compliments. Look at all the good things that they do. If it\u2019s, \u201cOh my god, you really make me feel so sexy and special when you do X, Y, and Z. I\u2019m wondering if you would be open to trying this particular thing with me,\u201d that doesn\u2019t sound like there\u2019s something missing. It\u2019s an enhancement. We even talk about this with sex toys, like how hard it is sometimes for people to bring a vibrator into the bedroom because it feels like it might replace the partner and how there\u2019s a lot of sensitivity ego around that. It\u2019s about reemphasizing that it\u2019s the chocolate sauce on the ice cream. It\u2019s not the ice cream, itself.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s tricky, right? You\u2019re working with ego and lots of stigma, especially with heteronormative men, There\u2019s this understanding or this stereotype that they\u2019re responsible for our pleasure. Give people lots of compliments when you\u2019re introducing something new, to reward them for what they\u2019re doing right when you\u2019re asking for something.<\/p>\n

Prepare What You Want To Say<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Practice a couple times. Write it down, even. Say it to an empty chair. You say what you have to say to somebody a couple times before you say it. You get it out. You see how it sounds aloud. Then you\u2019re prepared as if you were doing any public speaking. Gotta be a little brave to ask for what you want in the bedroom.<\/em><\/p>\n

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