How To Give Good Head: Your Guide to Amazing Oral Sex

Here’s the thing about giving head: when it’s good, it’s amazing for both people involved.

Not just the person receiving, but you too. That’s the goal here, creating an experience that feels genuinely pleasurable and connected rather than like a chore you’re anxious about getting through.

If you’ve ever worried about your gag reflex kicking in, felt your jaw start to ache ten minutes in, or wondered whether you’re actually doing it right, you’re definitely not alone. These are super common concerns that honestly get in the way of enjoyment way more than any specific technique ever could.

This guide is going to cover the practical stuff (yes, we’ll talk technique), but also the things that actually make the biggest difference: communication with your partner, positions that work for your body, and how to stay comfortable so you can actually be present and enthusiastic.

Start with Communication, Not Technique

Why guess when you can just ask? Seriously.

Every person’s body responds differently, and what drove your last partner wild might do absolutely nothing for your current one. The fastest path to good oral sex isn’t memorizing techniques from the internet (though we’ll get to those), it’s finding out what this specific person in front of you actually enjoys.

Okay, but how do you start that conversation without it feeling weird or clinical? Try something like: “I really want to make you feel good. What do you like when someone goes down on you?” Or keep it playful: “Tell me what feels amazing for you. I want to know all your favorite things.” You can even frame it as collaborative exploration: “I’d love to try some new things together. Want to experiment and give me feedback as we go?”

The conversation doesn’t stop once things get started. Creating a feedback loop during oral sex makes everything better.

Ask questions like “Is this pressure good?” or “Faster or slower?” Pay attention to non-verbal cues too: breathing changes, hip movements, muscle tension, the sounds they’re making (or not making). If they’re pressing into you or grabbing your hair, you’re probably onto something good. Pulling away or going quiet? Time to try something different.

What happens if something feels off or awkward? Pushing through that brief discomfort to have an actual conversation is way less awkward than spending 20 minutes doing something they’re not into. Asking for what you want in bed gets easier with practice, and your partner will probably be relieved you brought it up.

And let’s be crystal clear on consent: it needs to be enthusiastic (genuine excitement, not just “I guess”), ongoing (check in throughout, not just at the start), and revocable (they can change their mind anytime). Full stop.

Build Anticipation Before You Begin

Don’t rush straight to the main event. Taking time to build anticipation makes everything that follows way more intense and enjoyable for both of you. When someone’s fully aroused, their body becomes more sensitive, more responsive, and honestly just more into whatever you’re doing. Arousal isn’t just mental, it’s physical too (increased blood flow, heightened nerve sensitivity, natural lubrication for some bodies).

So how do you build that anticipation? Start with teasing. Kiss their neck, their inner thighs, anywhere but where they’re hoping you’ll go. Let your hands wander slowly. Use your breath, hovering close without making contact yet. The proximity alone can be incredibly hot. Make them wait for it just a little bit.

Eye contact is seriously underrated… looking up at your partner while you’re going down on them creates an intimate connection that technique alone can’t touch. It shows you’re present, engaged, and into what you’re doing. That enthusiasm, that genuine desire to be there? That’s what turns good oral sex into the mind-blowing kind.

Pay attention to how their body responds as you tease. Are they arching toward you? Getting breathless? Pulling you closer? Those cues tell you they’re ready and want more. If you really want to drive them wild, edging them closer and then pulling back can make the eventual payoff even more intense.

The environment matters too. You don’t need candles and rose petals (unless that’s your thing), but think about basics: Are you both comfortable? Is there privacy? Are you feeling mentally connected, or are you distracted by work stress? Taking a few minutes to get your head in the game and create a space where you both feel relaxed makes everything better.

Find Positions That Work for Both Bodies

Position matters way more than you’d think, and not just for the person receiving. If you’re uncomfortable, cramped, or straining your neck, you’re not going to be able to stay present or enthusiastic for very long. Finding positions that work for both bodies makes oral sex sustainable and way more enjoyable.

Receiver lying down, giver between their legs

This is the classic for good reason. The receiver can relax completely, and you have easy access. The downside? It can strain your neck if you’re bent at an awkward angle for too long. Fix this by sliding a pillow or sex cushion under their hips to tilt their pelvis up toward you, or prop yourself up on your elbows.

Receiver sitting (edge of bed, chair, couch)

This gives you better neck alignment since you’re kneeling at a more natural height. The receiver has less control over depth and angle, which can feel safer if you’re managing a gag reflex. Cons: kneeling on a hard floor hurts after a while, so grab a pillow or folded towel for your knees.

Receiver on top (sitting on giver’s face)

Gives the receiver total control over pressure, speed, and angle. This position is amazing if you want them to guide the experience, but it requires them to have enough core strength and leg stability to hold themselves up. If they have mobility limitations or chronic pain, this might not be sustainable. Curious about this one? Our face sitting guide goes deeper into technique and positioning.

Receiver standing, giver kneeling or sitting

Good for spontaneous moments, but honestly not great for extended sessions. You’ll get neck strain fast, and the receiver has to stay balanced. Better for teasing than for going the distance.

The real key? Use furniture and props without shame. Pillows under hips, cushions under knees, sitting on the edge of furniture at the right height. Your comfort directly impacts how long you can keep going and how into it you can be.

Master the Core Techniques

Okay, now let’s talk technique. Remember, these are tools in your BJ toolkit, not a checklist you have to complete. Try different approaches, pay attention to your partner’s feedback, and figure out what works for this specific person.

Tongue movements

Start with broad, flat tongue strokes. This gives gentle, less intense stimulation that’s great for building sensation gradually. When you want to focus on a specific spot (like the frenulum on a penis or the clitoris), switch to a pointed tongue for more concentrated pressure. Try swirling circles, up-and-down motions, or side-to-side patterns. Vary the pressure from feather-light teasing to firmer contact. Not everyone enjoys direct, intense stimulation right away, so start gentler and build from there.

And don’t forget: the fun doesn’t have to stop at the genitals. If you and your partner are into it, the anus has a ton of nerve endings that respond beautifully to tongue work. Analingus (rimming) is worth exploring if you’re both curious.

Bring your hands into it

Your mouth shouldn’t be doing all the work. Use your hands to stroke the shaft, cup or gently massage the testicles, or stimulate other sensitive areas. For people with vulvas, try sliding a finger or two inside while your tongue focuses externally, or use your hands to gently spread the labia for better access. The combination of mouth and hands creates layered sensations that feel way more intense than either alone.

Add some buzz

Here’s a tip that can take oral from great to unforgettable: bring a vibrator into the mix. A small bullet vibe pressed against the perineum, base of the shaft, or testicles while you’re using your mouth adds a whole new dimension of sensation. (Not sure where to start? Our guide to using a vibrator on a penis covers all the sweet spots.)

For vulva owners, holding a vibrator against the clitoris while your tongue or fingers focus elsewhere can create blended stimulation that’s seriously intense. Even a wand vibrator held against your cheek or chin transfers vibration through to your partner in surprisingly good ways. No pressure to add toys if that’s not your thing, but if you’re looking to level up, vibration is a pretty easy win.

Rhythm and consistency

Here’s a pro tip that sounds counterintuitive: when you find something that’s working (trust us, you’ll know from their reactions), stick with it. Constantly switching techniques can actually make it harder for your partner to build toward orgasm. That doesn’t mean be robotic, but once you’ve found the right rhythm and pressure, maintain it. Think consistent, not chaotic.

Keep it wet

Saliva is your friend here. The wetter, the better, honestly. Don’t be shy about it. If you need extra moisture, choosing the right lube can help, especially water-based options that are safe for oral. A flavored lube like Le Wand’s Cherry Vanilla can make things taste great while keeping everything slippery and comfortable. Pay sustained attention to the most sensitive spots rather than trying to cover every inch of real estate. Quality beats quantity every time.

Managing Your Gag Reflex Without the Pressure

Your gag reflex is a completely normal protective mechanism.

It’s designed to prevent you from choking, which is actually pretty useful for staying alive. If you have a sensitive gag reflex, you’re not broken or bad at oral sex. It’s just a natural bodily function.

That said, if you want to explore ways to manage it, here are some techniques that can help. Focus on your breathing, taking slow, deep breaths through your nose. This helps you stay relaxed and gives you more control. Try positioning your tongue flat against the bottom of your mouth or gently pressing it down, which can reduce the reflex trigger.

Gradual desensitization (practicing with smaller depths and slowly working up) works for some people, but it takes time and patience, not one session.

Here’s the thing, though: you don’t have to “overcome” your gag reflex.

Despite what porn might suggest, deep-throating isn’t required for amazing oral sex. Most of the nerve endings that feel incredible are in the head and upper shaft of the penis anyway, not way down your throat. You can give absolutely mind-blowing head without ever triggering your gag reflex.

Focus on techniques that work within your comfort zone. Use your hands to cover the length you can’t comfortably take in your mouth. Concentrate on the most sensitive areas with your tongue and lips. Change angles to find what feels manageable for your body.

Communicate your limits clearly, and take breaks whenever you need them. If you feel that reflex kicking in, pull back, take a breath, and either continue with a different approach or switch to using your hands for a bit. Your comfort and safety matter just as much as your partner’s pleasure. Anyone worth being intimate with will absolutely understand and appreciate you setting boundaries.

Protect Your Jaw and Neck From Fatigue

Jaw fatigue is incredibly common, so if it happens to you, don’t sweat it.

Your jaw muscles aren’t used to staying open in that position for extended periods, plus you’re working them pretty hard with all that movement. It’s basically an endurance workout for muscles that don’t usually get that kind of sustained use.

Prevention starts with positioning. Go back to Section 3 and revisit those position adjustments. The right angle makes a massive difference. If you’re constantly craning your neck or holding your jaw at an awkward stretch, you’re going to fatigue way faster. Adjust pillows, change your height, find what lets your neck and jaw stay in a more neutral position.

Take breaks without apologizing for them. Seriously. Switch to using your hands for a bit while you give your jaw a rest. Kiss their thighs, their stomach, other areas. Make eye contact and tell them how hot they are. These pauses can actually build more anticipation and don’t kill the mood at all. Your partner would way rather you take a break than push through discomfort until you’re miserable.

Another option? Let a toy do some of the work. Pressing a vibrator against your partner while you catch your breath keeps the stimulation going without demanding anything from your jaw. It’s a seamless way to extend the experience without exhausting yourself.

Before you start, try some simple jaw stretches. Open your mouth wide, move your jaw side to side, massage the hinge points near your ears. Afterward, the same stretches can help prevent soreness.

Switching between techniques naturally distributes the effort. Alternate between using a pointed tongue (more work) and a flat tongue (less intense). Mix in more hand action. Vary your approach so you’re not straining the same muscles the entire time.

Set boundaries around how long you’re comfortable going. There’s no award for suffering through jaw pain. Quality matters way more than marathon duration.

Keep It Safe and Healthy

Let’s talk about something important: STIs can be transmitted through oral sex. Many people assume oral is completely safe, but infections like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, and HPV can all spread this way. The good news? The risk of HIV transmission through oral sex is much lower than through vaginal or anal sex, though it’s not zero.

You can reduce risks significantly by using barriers. For oral sex on a penis, use a condom (flavored ones exist specifically for this and taste way better than regular latex). For oral sex on a vulva or anus, use a dental dam. You can also cut open a condom to create a barrier. Yes, it changes the sensation somewhat, but it’s a smart choice, especially with new partners or if you’re unsure of each other’s STI status.

Oral hygiene matters too. Brushing and flossing are good generally, but avoid doing it right before oral sex because it can create tiny cuts in your gums that increase transmission risk. If you want fresh breath, use mouthwash or chew gum instead.

Skip oral sex if either of you has cuts, sores, bleeding gums, or active infections in or around the mouth or genitals. These all increase transmission risk significantly.

Get tested regularly. If you’re sexually active with multiple partners or starting something new with someone, regular STI screenings should be part of your routine health care. Most STIs are asymptomatic, so you can’t rely on visible symptoms.

Have honest conversations about sexual health history before getting intimate. When was their last screening? What were the results? It might feel awkward, but it’s a sign of respect and care for both of you.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I’m doing it right?

Ask your partner directly and pay attention to their responses. Enthusiastic sounds, body movements toward you, increased breathing, and verbal feedback like “yes, just like that” are all good signs. If you’re unsure, check in with questions like “Does this feel good?” Remember, what’s “right” varies by person, so communication is your best tool.

What if I have a strong gag reflex?

You absolutely don’t need to deep-throat to give amazing oral sex. Focus your attention on the most sensitive areas (the head of the penis or the clitoris) where the nerve endings are concentrated. Use your hands to cover the length you can’t comfortably take in your mouth. Try different angles and positions that feel more manageable. Your gag reflex is normal and doesn’t limit your ability to provide pleasure.

How long should oral sex last?

There’s no magic number. Some people finish in five minutes, others take 20 or more. What matters is that both of you are comfortable and enjoying yourselves. Quality and presence matter way more than duration. If your jaw is tired or you need a break, that’s a perfectly valid reason to switch things up or stop.

What if my jaw gets tired?

Take breaks without guilt. Switch to using your hands, kiss other areas, make eye contact and talk to your partner. These pauses can actually build anticipation. Try jaw stretches before and after, adjust your position for better alignment, and alternate between techniques to distribute the effort.

Do I need to use flavored products?

Nope. Most people are fine with natural taste and don’t need flavored lubes or products. If you want to try them, water-based flavored lubes or flavored condoms exist, but they’re totally optional.

Can I use a vibrator during oral sex?

Absolutely. A small bullet or wand vibrator can add incredible sensation without requiring extra effort from you. Try pressing it against the perineum, base of the shaft, or clitoris while your mouth focuses elsewhere. Some people even hold a vibrator against their own chin or cheek to transfer vibration through to their partner. It’s a great way to intensify the experience and give your jaw periodic breaks.

Your Path to Confident, Connected Oral Pleasure

You’ve got the essentials now. Good oral sex isn’t about executing a perfect sequence of moves. It’s about showing up with genuine enthusiasm, communicating openly with your partner, knowing some solid techniques to work with, and taking care of your own comfort so you can stay present and engaged.The best part? This is all stuff you can keep building on. Every partner is different, and even with the same partner, preferences can evolve. Stay curious. Keep asking questions. Try new approaches and pay attention to what gets the most enthusiastic response. Bringing toys into partner play is an ongoing adventure, not a one-time achievement.